(photos from 2011-2012)
tonight, i feel like i need to take the time to get dressed up.
in that sense, i mean showering, shaving (shaving what? i’m not sure), doing my hair (slicking it back, or making it as big & voluminous as possible?) and wearing clothes i very rarely wear. suspenders? vintage dresses? sock garters? garter belts? bowties? all at once? wearing glasses, or contacts? which makes it easier for me to confuse strangers? which unsettles people the most? am i dressing for myself, or for others?
thinking so much lately about how fear plays into fashion. how we describe stylish babes as “fearless.” how i sometimes worry i might exotify said aforementionned fearless style icons, because of the risks they run by presenting themselves in a way that makes them feel alright in their own skin. not just alright - fantastic, even.
sometimes i find myself jealous that i am not as daring with my gender presentation, my clothing choices. what do i get away with by toeing the visual status quo?
lately i’ve been saying fuck it. wearing the shortest skirt without worrying about the assholes who will harrass me or stare or tell me i cannot look the way i look and speak the way i speak.
lately i have been saying fuck it. but i can, because i don’t have anyone to answer to right now. no parents around, expecting me to look or act differently. no well-intentioned sisters telling me i shouldn’t dress a certain way because it makes my body look too bad (or too good, but no one ever admits that). no daily place of work where i am representing the values of my company or corporation in the way i choose to present myself.
i see myself asking those questions as i look at my reflection in a webcam.
who am i scaring?
what am i afraid of?
do i pass
do i pass as what
do i look the way i see myself?
do i look the way i want others to see me?